I think I am addicted to the tough of being lost, to the thought of not knowing what to do. I always half-ass do stuff. I never follow up or worry about consequences, otherwise I won’t be that lost boy. I still did not figure out why my body keeps this feeling and what is its purpose. But then again, with everything happening inside my brain only, can I trust my own judgement of my imaginary world.
Tell me what you are doing now, you will understand why you reached your future state. Take me for example, I keep nagging about how I am not independent while I actually never take the initiative to do things on my own. I keep on thinking, which ends up in me getting depression, which ends up in me getting help. So I am actually doing the opposite now.
Just like a fat person whose knees are becoming weak. He cannot do sports because of his excess weight, and on the other hand if he does not do sports he will remain fat. That is the paradox of the problems. We have to get out of our comfort zone to reach what we want. But the question is do we really want change.
I guess it is my body’s defense mechanism when I get scared to drift to an imaginary world and start to imagine happy things until the offender gets bored or someone else comes and helps me. I think it goes back to when my older brother used to beat me as a kid. But why the fuck did I develop this defense mechanism. Why the fuck didn’t I fight back. Why the fuck am I still this way. Why am I still fucking afraid of my older brother. Is it something in my genes or in my engraved character.
All brothers have fights, why the fuck did I not fight back. What is this fucking mental torture of living in an imaginary world.
I am well aware of it
It is that constant motherfucking sound in my head that analyzes every fucking activity I do, every fucking individual I meet, creates unexisiting scenarios in my head.
Man I am tired of this voice, trying to make me the perfect man, I want to break free. There is no perfect man. Whatever you do, it will please few people and annoy others, so why care. The problem is I listen a lot and analyze. I am afraid of falling into a mistake that the others do and that my parents and sibing criticize. What is perfect. What should I do.
I have been brought up on the basis of helping others constantly and feed off their happiness. Well the fucked up thing is it doesn’t help no more. I should quit this thought. Everyone has their own problem, and I am here analyzing the problems of others afraid of falling into one of theirs. My thoughts are all over the place.
I should stop thinking about stuff that I am not doing, I should stop this imaginary world. Although this fucked up world was upgraded by my brain over the years, to feel shame in order to achieve more and to please others without thinking, it gives me the ability to forget my fears at the right moment and become a superhuman, it helps me analyze any problem once I set my mind to it.
Fuck fuck FUCK FUCK KESS EKHET AYRI B ZABRE
EVEN THIS THOUGHT IS A RESULT OF MY FUCKING IMAGINATION. I AM UNDER THE ILLSUION OF FIGHTING FOR 22 FUCKING YEARS NOW. I AM ADDICTED TO DEPRESSION AND IMAGINATION. AND THE CURE LIES IN MY HEAD. AM I CRAZY OR STUPID?
I will no longer live in a cage that I create because of my fears. Every irrational fear was there to keep me with help because I was afraid to make decisions in order to avoid mistakes. But the truth is I did not live. After all what is life without the mistakes.
It’s weird how we choose the things that slowly kill us but give us a temporary happiness
Figure out the meaning of this life
Which was given to us
Without choice of social class or religion or place of birth
We cannot understand ourselves
Then how can we understand others
Feelings of hate, jealousy and superiority
Fill our hearts
On the other hand
Feelings of emptiness, empathy and love
Fill the hearts of the “weaker ones”
The ones who chose to follow the path instead of creating a new one
Because two lions cannot live under one roof
However each on his own would be weak and empty and lifeless
So while one stretches his decisions wide enough, the other finds an opportunity to go inside and enrich this wide place with good memories
Can someone explain to me
How can people judge each other
Without even knowing their full stories
How can people hide under the name of religion and think they are the best on Earth
How can we treat people like shit and expect to be treated differently
How much we forget how important the resources we have until we lose them
How we forget that money is not the only asset people own in this world
How we tend to waste time forgetting it is irreplaceable
How we forgot that we will all end up dead, yet we still do not know where we are going
How we tend to act different around others…
If anyone found a meaning to his life
Please share it in the comments
I would love to see others’ opinions
I am starting to have feelings
That depression is my defense mechanism
As it allows me to get rid of my fears
And be ready to conquer the world
Apparently everyone has irrational fear
I am not alone
But what defines us is how we conquer those fears
I wonder if it’s only me
Who thinks his life is a movie
Where the people are not real
And the actions do not matter
And whatever he does
Does not change anything
Because it will always end the same
The same ending that is engraved in his head
The same ending that he brainwashes himself to every night
Don’t ever help me
Or show me a guiding hand
Because I will use you
Like others use me well
Because I will know the way to your open heart
And our relationship will never be the same
Well you think I am easy and vulnerable
But I also know how to get my stuff and manipulate others
I feel ashamed of myself
For this particular behaviour
I think I live off this feeling
Knowing that I can use you and how I can
But if at this stage you do not help
I will leave you dear for you are of no help
You would think I am a victim
Well I am also a predator
I hope this is also a part of my brain
That I can get rid off as well
I am saying this to you
In order not to fall in my trap
I do not know what I am doing
Giving all my secrets away
I hope I become normal one day
After I have shared all my cheap shots with you