Anger

What happens if you were a professional boxer, and trained everyday in your life for the past twenty two years in order to get a living, and fame, and start your life with your boxing skill. The competition is in one month, and you start practicing more and more. But suddenly, you wake up one day, realizing your technique is different from everyone else. That your technique worked before but now it does not anymore. The worst thing is you can not figure out what’s wrong with your style as it is engrained in you. You try to learn new styles, and copy others only to see yourself going back to your old technique by instinct and failing miserably. Fear and shame will follow you around. But why? What is wrong with your technique? Why is it failing you now? Why did you develop it then? Why can’t you change it? Is what you are doing now affecting your motherfucking belief system.

Well, I have almost the same issue, with boxing being the way I think. I am always thinking about improving myself ALWAYS. But then I realize I am copying others and stop. Only to realize I am weak and never make a decision on my own. How the fuck can you solve a mental problem. If your brain is the one causing these thoughts, and he have been happy with them for the past years how could you tell him to change them. Why am I so sure I need to change. Why am I making my life hell only to nag about it later. How can I shush my brain. How can I have self confidence. What is my goal in life. Why does depression seem like the answer. Why do I nag then go back to the same old loser. How can I solve it if it caused by my brain and the solution is developed in that same brain. Why is there a problem in the first place. Why do I love acting like a weirdo. 

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Different

There I go again, another side of my imagination emerged. I become this philiosphical perfectionist who can fix the world with his thoughts. This mentality usually comes on the last second before an assignment or a work and helps a lot. It gives me a self image and confidence boost, way over the damage that my depression brings and puts me back on my feet. 

But no, I do not want this overthinking. I will live the moment and leave the imagination world. Hopefully.

Daily quote

We often forget that there is no absolute truth among people, and there is no perfect behavior or decisions, or even a perfect life to live. Take it easy and cherish every moment, it will never come again. But remember that you are responsible for your decisions.

Never depend on people’s opinion to know if what you are doing is right or wrong, rather remember that there is no absolute truth, and people are motivated by personal interest. Whether it is a good or a negative feedback, just use it to interact with others, but not for defining your self or your values. 

What is depression

What is depression? Why do I think about nonsense for hours? Why cannot I figure out the real problem. What if there is not a problem. Why do we follow the strong and mock the weak. Why do I depend on people’s opinions? Why am I a whiner? What is this constant thought inside my head? Why are people different? Why do I think and over think way too much? Why do I ask so many questions? Why do I like to blame my self? What is progress? What is time? What am I afraid of?

Writing my thoughts

I like writing my thoughts because they become more rational

I have many questions that cannot be answered:

How does someone build character? Since we see kids since they are young with distinct characters, then it develops since they are small. Then how can one choose or develop his character. How can I change how my brain works.

But, the question is why am I not happy with how my brain works. Why am I always complaining? Why am I always drifting away in my thoughts from reality? Why do I choose to not do anything until told. What if I am caged in the personality forever. Why can’t it be happy. Why am I thinking of these stuff. Why do I think someone has the answer to this. 

Hide

“I find kind of funny, the dreams of which I am dying are the best I ever had” quoted from the song mad world. 

Does overthinking help me hide my emotions? That is my latest thought now. But why would I hide them and live like an alien for the rest of my life. Why do I fake happiness 95% of the time. Why do I hide loneliness, disappointment, anger and fear inside this shameful self. 

Mad

I am so mad right now, of the past I had. Why did I have to be so different. Why did I not enjoy life why did I bring misery into my life. 

I treated everyone I know miserably. Then I had to be extra nice to them to make it up.

I loved living in the imagination.

Fuck you imagination. Go to hell. Rot in the nothingness. Fuck you timeless piece of shit. Fuck your fake emotions. Fuck your stupid appearance. Fuck your attention-seeking. Fuck your differentiating technique. 

I lost my girlfriend because of you piece of shit. I wish I can get her back and try over. But no I do not know if I even loved her with imagination taking over all the time. I do not want anything that has to do with my imaginative self. Until then, I will live the torture of going back to you every day, my love. I will live the imagination of breaking and fixing my relationship with every one I know because that was my fucking amusement.