Different

There I go again, another side of my imagination emerged. I become this philiosphical perfectionist who can fix the world with his thoughts. This mentality usually comes on the last second before an assignment or a work and helps a lot. It gives me a self image and confidence boost, way over the damage that my depression brings and puts me back on my feet. 

But no, I do not want this overthinking. I will live the moment and leave the imagination world. Hopefully.

Daily quote

We often forget that there is no absolute truth among people, and there is no perfect behavior or decisions, or even a perfect life to live. Take it easy and cherish every moment, it will never come again. But remember that you are responsible for your decisions.

Never depend on people’s opinion to know if what you are doing is right or wrong, rather remember that there is no absolute truth, and people are motivated by personal interest. Whether it is a good or a negative feedback, just use it to interact with others, but not for defining your self or your values. 

What is depression

What is depression? Why do I think about nonsense for hours? Why cannot I figure out the real problem. What if there is not a problem. Why do we follow the strong and mock the weak. Why do I depend on people’s opinions? Why am I a whiner? What is this constant thought inside my head? Why are people different? Why do I think and over think way too much? Why do I ask so many questions? Why do I like to blame my self? What is progress? What is time? What am I afraid of?

Writing my thoughts

I like writing my thoughts because they become more rational

I have many questions that cannot be answered:

How does someone build character? Since we see kids since they are young with distinct characters, then it develops since they are small. Then how can one choose or develop his character. How can I change how my brain works.

But, the question is why am I not happy with how my brain works. Why am I always complaining? Why am I always drifting away in my thoughts from reality? Why do I choose to not do anything until told. What if I am caged in the personality forever. Why can’t it be happy. Why am I thinking of these stuff. Why do I think someone has the answer to this. 

Hide

“I find kind of funny, the dreams of which I am dying are the best I ever had” quoted from the song mad world. 

Does overthinking help me hide my emotions? That is my latest thought now. But why would I hide them and live like an alien for the rest of my life. Why do I fake happiness 95% of the time. Why do I hide loneliness, disappointment, anger and fear inside this shameful self. 

Mad

I am so mad right now, of the past I had. Why did I have to be so different. Why did I not enjoy life why did I bring misery into my life. 

I treated everyone I know miserably. Then I had to be extra nice to them to make it up.

I loved living in the imagination.

Fuck you imagination. Go to hell. Rot in the nothingness. Fuck you timeless piece of shit. Fuck your fake emotions. Fuck your stupid appearance. Fuck your attention-seeking. Fuck your differentiating technique. 

I lost my girlfriend because of you piece of shit. I wish I can get her back and try over. But no I do not know if I even loved her with imagination taking over all the time. I do not want anything that has to do with my imaginative self. Until then, I will live the torture of going back to you every day, my love. I will live the imagination of breaking and fixing my relationship with every one I know because that was my fucking amusement. 

What if I do not want your cure

As I was scrolling through my timeline, I read the title of an article that said: How to cure depression. I realized there is no shoe fits all in every aspect of life, and this also applied to character development and depression.

I do not want to apply some man’s method to cure depression that worked for him. I do not think there is a cure for depression. I think that every individual is unique and going through depression because of a certain unique problem. Until he figures out what the problem is he will still live with his depression, because it is the mind’s way of saying something is bad and you need to fix it.

My current plan is to make an Amble change and see how it will affect my life style and character, and hence I would be closer to understanding my self. But I cannot figure out what to change? This is where I need your help so please suggest stuff in the comments.

Thank you.

I’m addicted

I think I am addicted to the tough of being lost, to the thought of not knowing what to do. I always half-ass do stuff. I never follow up or worry about consequences, otherwise I won’t be that lost boy. I still did not figure out why my body keeps this feeling and what is its purpose. But then again, with everything happening inside my brain only, can I trust my own judgement of my imaginary world.